Parody Ex
by Pen Of God
Summary: A parody of Deus Ex. Constructive criticism welcome.
1. JC fails his first assignment

_Disclaimer: This story is a Deus Ex parody, inspired by The Eurostar Galaxy's excellent story, which seems to be abandoned. Special thanks to FAQ GOD from gamefaqs, because his script bypassed the need to replay the game again. Deus Ex belongs to Eidos (I think) and this story belongs to me. On with the humour.

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**Parody Ex**

JC smoothed his hair and combed his trench coat with his hand. He checked if his body armor was sufficiently waxed. _Lookin' good, JC_ he thought to himself. He leaped onto the dock, rolling into a crouch position. Corporal Collins sighed as JC attempted to look seriously cool. Emphasis on 'attempted'. JC stood up, brushed himself down and proceeded onto the dock. A nerdy guy popped up in his infolink. "Heads up JC..."

"A bomb!" JC yelled, diving to his right and rolling into another crouch position.

"_sigh_ Jaime told me about your intelligence. Anyway, your brother Paul is on his way to meet you at the dock. The NSF are raiding the island and shots have been fired..."

"No shit"

"I repeat: find paul. I will monitor your situation from HQ" _Get back to space invaders dude, this is for the pro's._

JC walked up to his brother who was patrolling the dock. "Paul! I thought you were at Donkey Kong!"

"**Hong** Kong JC. Might as well start using your codename. Think I'd miss my brother's first day?"

"You must have fucked up real bad on your assignment. What'd you do? Kill some hostages? Crash a jet into a village?"

"That doesn't matter. What matters is that terrorists have raided the statue"

"Wow, pointing out the obvious seems to be UNATCO's specialty"

"Your orders are to go into the statue, rescue Gunther Hermann, interrogate the commander, and come back to HQ for tea and biscuits"

"All I've got with me is a comb and hair gel. I don't mind a pointless mission, but UNATCO better issue some hardware"

"Remember that we're highly cool generic super soldiers. Stick with the comb. It'll confuse your opponents or make them laugh at you. Just in case though, Manderley wants you to pick an additional style product. A toothpaste, soap, or mini-hairdryer."

"Never know if I might find a mirror. Give me the soap"

"The soap might be useful. I can see spots all over your face."

"Sorry Captain Perfect. What's the first move?"

"Go meet some bum on the other dock, talk to him, get a key and go into the statue. It doesn't matter if you kill everyone because UNATCO will just kill them anyway."

JC then proceeded onto the island. He saw some crates, but decided he didn't need to get their contents. He could just use his super kung-fu skills. JC ran up to one of the NSF and started combing his hair.

"Thought I saw someone. A guy in a coat"

JC thought about the best way to tackle this situation. He kicked the terrorist straight in the balls.

"YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!...AH!" the terrorist screamed as he fell to the floor writhing in pain. JC felt pleased with himself and surveyed the area. He decided to head towards HQ, but not before picking up the nearby TNT crate. He moved forward with the crate.

"Hey did that crate move?" one of the terrorists asked.

"Quiet, I heard something" the other said.

"Yeah it was me talking"

"Quiet, think we got cops"

JC suddenly had a moment of brilliance. He dropped the crate, and took aim at it. _This'll blow those amateurs away_ he thought. Jacobson popped up in his view.

"JC DON'T! YOU'LL KILL YOURSELF!"

"Your just jealous you never thought of this first" JC said as he shot the crate.

* * *

JC woke up in what looked like a makeshift cell. He felt like he had been hit by a train. 

"I can cut power to the door... wait, this isn't the right cell. Shit"

"What the hell?" JC asked himself. He saw Gunther standing nearby.

"Gunther, you're just as fat and ugly as Jaime said"

"I cant vind a vay oot of zis cell, how are ve gooing to escape now?"

"Gunther, even I can see the brick next to the door"

"Vat brick?"

JC sighed as he pushed in he protuding brick near the door. The door opened. He saw a mirror on the opposite wall. His breathing became heavy. He unholstered his soap.

"No agent, zere are camaras!"

Gunther's pleas were futile as JC raced to the mirror. He wetted the soap with a nearby tap and began rubbing his hands on the white block. The security camera began bleeping, but JC was oblivious to this as he washed his face.

"Scrub-a-dub-dub, agent in the tub" he sang to himself.

"I don't believe zis" Gunther sighed as the alarm went off. The turret above the door began firing at JC.

"Do you mind you ugly piece of metallic shit?" he shouted. "Oh fuck, I think I'm dying". Gunther raced out of the room and snapped the turret off it's hinges. He then ate it.

"Gunpowder, gooood. Metal, goooood. Digestive system being vipped apart by turret, not so gooood". Gunther fell to the floor, bullets firing out of his chest. "It's _almost_ a skul-gun" he said to himself. JC left the room and walked straight through the laser trip-wires. Guards poured into the room. JC ran up the stairs.

"Mommy!" he yelled.

He didn't stop and eventually reached a ladder. He climbed up the ladder and hid behind a crate. "I think I'm safe here" he told himself.

"Don't shoot! I surrender!"

"Who the hell are you?"

"Err, I'm the night-janitor. I'll just go home now"

"Go right ahead, by the way, have you seen an NSF commander nearby?"

"Urm, yeah, he was near a gas grenade. When it starts beeping, stop and don't move. He'll find you there"

"Thanks dude" JC said as he began his search for a gas grenade. Alex popped up again.

"Uh, JC, we have reason to believe that was the commander."

"That friendly guy? No way" JC said. He saw a gas grenade and approached it. It started beeping. "See, he never lied. Guess you can eat your words Alex" Alex sighed. The grenade blew, toxic gas filling the room.

"Now this wasn't in the UNATCO manual. Alex, what the hell's going on?"

"JC abort the mission. You didn't rescue Gunther, and you didn't capture the commander. Manderley will be pretty annoyed."

"Wooo, look at all the pretty colours" JC said dreamily as he passed out. A UNATCO troop approached his body. "The chief finally let us loose. We were right behind you and cut through them like a hot knife through butter."

* * *

JC woke up, for the second time that night, in what seemed to be a hospital. Jaime approached him. "Why the hell did you tell Gunther that I thought he was fat and ugly? He shot me in the chest FIVE times!" JC decided his life wasn't worth the effort and tried to go back asleep. "Oh no you don't" Jaime said as he used a stun prod on JC. JC suddenly jumped to his feet. "Better. Now report to Manderley. He's pretty annoyed with you JC". 

JC stepped out of Jaime's office and decided to check in with Carter.

"Yo pimp Carter, whassup!"

"I'm not a pimp anymore JC, just Carter."

"I can't believe what the NSF did to your cocaine stash"

"That's enough soldier. I lost my cocaine stash, but you lost your ecstasy pills. Which one is worse? I don't think it matters"

"That was different. I was going to sell them anyway"

"Whatever. I've got a multi-tool, lockpick, ammo or a banana. Pick one and go see Manderley"

"You haven't got any style products?"

"No, some thief robbed them" As Carter said that, Shanon walked by. _Damn her hair looks good_ JC thought to himself.

"Well, I'll take the ammo."

"JC, you don't have a gun for the ammo"

"God damnit, I ask for a style product, no. I ask for ammo, no. Screw you!"

JC left Carter's office and headed upstairs. He entered Janice Reed's office. "Go right in JC. Manderley's expecting you. By the way I have your computer login here. Hmm, looks like Alex decided something encrypted would be better. It's login 'JCRetard' password 'bionicfucker'.

"Thanks" JC said as he entered Manderley's office. He looked around. He saw some old guy sitting in Manderley's seat.

"Hey old guy, where's the chief?"

"I'm the chief!" Manderley replied

"Oh. JC Denton reporting for duty sir."

"Do I really look that old?"

"Erm, I don't know what to say."

"Well, you screwed up this mission, but that's ok. Since we payed 50 billion dollars to create you, we're going to give you a second chance, for the economy if nothing else."

"Go economy!"

"Go blow up some generator in New York. If Anna asks to stop at Castle Clinton, tell her to piss off."

"Ok sir" JC said as he exited Manderley's office. He left HQ and approached the dock. He lept onto the boat, landing in a splits position. _New... worlds of pain_ JC thought to himself. "Let's head out" the boat driver said, ignoring JC's screams of agony.

"YEEEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH..."


	2. Quest for glory, honour, and painkillers

**Parody Ex**

JC limped off the boat. Anna approached him. "All right, let's go. The terrorists are..."

"You wouldn't happen to have any painkillers?" JC interrupted

"Of all the assignments, I get this one. No I don't have painkillers. Use a medkit"

"Err, my medical skill is quite low"

"You can use a medkit even if your untrained Denton"

JC looked at her pathetically.

"You're joking? You're not even untrained?" Anna asked. JC shook his head. "Ugh, you're going to have to put up with it. Anyway, the terrorists are in a fighting retreat. A few barricaded themselves in Castle Clinton. Your orders are to locate a barrel of ambrosia..."

"My orders are to tell you to piss off."

"Fine, be that way. But if your going to go to the subway straight away, rescue the

hostages."

"Yeah. Sure" With that, JC began running to the subway. He started running, but then noticed a soda machine. He decided a nice soda would take his mind off the pain. He put his credits in and the machine slid to the side, revealing a secret entrance. "Hey where's my soda?" JC yelled. He started punching the machine. "God damn terrorist soda machine!". JC began kicking the soda machine. Eventually, through an epic amount of kung-fu skills, a soda popped out. JC took a long gulp. "Lovely" JC said.

JC arrived at the subway station. He walked down the stairs, straight into a squad of NSF troopers. "Hey, you wouldn't happen to know when the next train to Hell's Kitchen arrives would you?" JC asked. The terrorists began firing at him. He took out his hair gel and began throwing it into the terrorist's eyes.

"Aah, my eyes! Non-toxic hair gel in my eyes!" one of the terrorists screamed. JC proceeded down the stairs. One of the hostages yelled "Don't walk through the las..." She was cut off by the massive explosion throughout the subway. "Oops" JC said as he proceeded into the train.

The train stopped at Hell's Kitchen. JC exited the train, soda in hand, and walked towards the stairs. Paul approached him. "Where the fuck did you come from?" JC asked.

"JC we have to talk. That hostage rescue was a disaster. Your trenchcoat was muddy and creased. If you want to keep looking cool, you have to wash the thing and iron it reguarly."

"I did what I had to do." JC replied "The laundrette owner was charging $2 extra because it was so big. You know UNATCO procedure. Don't negotiate with terrorists."

"I guess you're right. Well go and blow up the generator bro. If you need anything, my stash is behind the cupboard in my room. Keypad's behind the painting." Paul began running towards the train

"Hey Paul!" JC shouted

"Yeah?"

"You got any painkillers?"

"Just use a medkit JC"

"Err, okay..." JC decided that he would just have to wait until the pain passed naturally. He walked out of the subway station and walked down the street. He saw a sign for a free clinic. "Woo! Painkillers!" JC yelled as he entered the clinic. He saw two bums talking. He walked past them and approached the doctor. "Painkillers..." JC said

"This isn't Max Payne. You get a medkit, 300, or the full automated care program, 2000"

"Some fucking free clinic" JC quicksaved. "Okay, I'll take the program."

"The code to the surgery bay is 2153"

JC laughed manically as he handed the doctor 2000 credits. He loaded his last save.

A thing called Icarus popped up in his view "Error, savegame corrupted".

"Noooooooo!" JC yelled as he typed in the code to the door. He healed himself and went back outside. He approached the park and suddenly all hell broke loose. JC decided to jack a gun off one of the terrorists. He now had himself a pistol. He upgraded his skill to TRAINED in celebration of the moment. He had skipped training, so he didn't really know how to fire one of these things. "Err.." JC said as he examined the gun.

A terrorist shot JC in the rib. "Chickenfucker!" JC yelled as he began firing his gun wildly. He killed one UNATCO troop. Then another. Another one. Eventually the UNATCO troops turned on him. It was a violent bloodbath, with everyone firing at JC. He retreated into the bar. "Ow" JC said as he slammed his head on it. _Oh real funny play on words_ JC thought as he ran into the real bar. _Just act smooth JC_ he thought as he casually leaned on the counter. He surveyed the bar, trying to look real cool. "Bartender, beer please. Shaken, not stared" _You da man!._

"You don't shake a beer, dumbass" the bartender replied.

"Then I'll take my custom elsewhere!" JC yelled as he exited the bar. He walked around for a while, and forgot what his mission was. "Uh, Alex, if you can hear me, can you brief me on the mission."

"Yeah JC. Your objective is to suck your own dick until someone shoots you and I get to monitor an agent who isn't a complete retard"

"Manderley said that? What a mean guy. At least I can count on you Alex."

"Oh for fucks sake, run into the warehouse and get yourself killed while trying to blow up a generator"

"I'll do my best" JC said as he proceeded to Osgoods. "This is as good a warehouse as any"

He entered the warehouse and saw a keypad. He forced hair gel into it until it shattered, fragments flying everywhere. The elevator next to it opened. JC kissed his hair gel before putting it back into his pocket. _Mmm, strawberry flavour._ JC reached the roof, and saw a fucktonne of NSF snipers guarding the nearby buildings. He began leaping over the buildings with blinding speed. "Fascist!" the terrorists yelled as they fired at him.

"Shoot, shoot, as fast as your refire rate can! You can't catch me, I'm the augmented man!" JC sang as he leaped over the buildings. A bullet ripped through his chest and he fell to the floor in a bloody heap. Alex popped up in his view.

"Fucking finally, you died." _He wants me dead? No, it must be moral encouragement! I've got the entire of UNATCO behind me, I will prevail!._ JC stood up and unholstered his comb. "You've got to be kidding me" Alex said through his infolink. JC dived onto the roof of the warehouse housing the generator, and leaped down through the window. He ran down one of the ramps and jumped over the railing, landing on top of the generator. Terrorists fired at him from all angles as he jammed the comb into one of the generator pipes. He retreated up the ramps to the roof, as the generator exploded into tiny pieces. Alex popped up in his infolink, saying nothing, but with his jaw nearly touching the ground. "Thanks Alex for the support"

"Uh, yeah, support. Woo, go JC!"

JC then approached the black helicopter that had landed on the roof to take him back to HQ. "Nice to finally meet you agent. Name's Jock. Hop in"

"Urr, how?"

"The same way you got on the boat"

"I've kind of forgotten how I got on the boat"

"Right click you idiot!"

"Right click what?"

"The helicopter!"

"I'm clicking the helicopter, nothing's happening"

"Right click while facing the helicopter!"

"Erm, I think it's broke"

"Wow, and I thought Paul was stupid."

"Oh yeah, now I remember how I got on the boat"

JC leaped on top of the helicopter landing in a splits position and jamming the rotors. "JC, get away from the rotors!" Jock yelled. The helicopter exploded, sending JC flying through the air. He landed on a nearby street. Yet again, in a splits position.

"YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH..."


	3. Things Get Personal

_Sorry about shortness of chapter, first my dog went missing and then I broke my collarbone, so I've had to cut it short. Dog's turned up but bone still broke, hard to type. Better, bigger chapter coming when my clavicle is healed. Honestly. )_

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Parody Ex

JC entered Manderley's office. Jaime had seen to his wounds in the med-lab, but JC thought the anal probing was a bit unnecessary. "Okay JC" Manderley started "you op bonus is split across the Castle Clinton and Warehouse objectives. You get the full 1000..."

"WHAT? Why aren't I getting 1000 each?"

"Do I look like I'm made of money you sunglass-whoring ass-clown?"

"Great, not only do you look like a dried-up turd in a suit, you're also a cheapskate. Who could ask for a better boss?"

"It's not my fault you run around Battery Park killing hostages!"

"That was... complicated..."

Manderley sighed. "Well, I'd like to say you were the only agent who screwed up, but it likes like idiocy runs in the family. Paul didn't get the shipment, so we're sending you in. God knows why."

"Am I meant to be pleased?"

"Look, just go and look around the subways." Manderley saw JC's eyes light up "And don't play on the tracks!"

"Awwww" JC moaned as he exited Manderley's office. He went upstairs and out of the HQ. He saw Jock sitting in a new helicopter. "Don't mess around with the rotors this time you freaky little shit!" Jock yelled as JC entered the helicopter.

"Screw you, you grey-haired drunk"

The helicopter took off and JC looked out of the window blankly as it flew towards it's destination. He landed in Battery Park and exited the chopper. Alex popped up in his view. "Don't you get tired of invading my viewpoint every few minutes?" JC asked.

"Do you think I'd do this if I wasn't payed. It's like fucking baby-sitting with you and Paul. Except I'm payed a lot better. Anyway, we're dropping you in Battery Park..."

"You don't say" JC interrupted

"We know the NSF were moving materials through here at one point. Seems like a good place to start looking."

"You wouldn't be saying that if you were standing in the middle of some crappy hellhole freezing your ass off" With that, JC started towards the subway. He entered the subway and saw Harley Filben standing nearby. "Hey, you're that bum that gives people information for money"

"Fuck you, I'm no bum!" Filben replied

"Whatever man, good luck finding food for tonight" JC looked around. He saw a phone. He decided he'd call Paul and ask him what the hell he should do. "Ok, Paul's number is 6... 6... 3... 5... Hey what the crap?" The phone booth began to spin around and then dropped through the floor. JC was in what seemed to be a tunnel. "Doesn't anything work in this godforsaken place?" JC decided to go down the tunnel and see if anyone could help him use the phone. He climbed a ladder and came out on a track. Alex popped up in his view.

"After the quakes, the homeless drifted down here, junkies, runaways, grifters. There's a DSS file..."

"Awww, and you think I actually give a shit"

"Whatever" Alex replied as he disappeared out of view. JC looked around. He saw a lot of ugly people wandering around helplessly. He unholstered his gun...


End file.
